HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
this is the best day of my life
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing