HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.