Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

saving face 👀

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99