Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch