Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The cashier just checked me out.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry