A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician