I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.
Me: I got my grays after I got married.
Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!
Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.