Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.

Me: I got my grays after I got married.



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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]


all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.


I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.


When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.


Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.


I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.


ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*


Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.



Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*