@amazymay72x

Her: I’ve had gray hairs since I was 16.

Me: I got my grays after I got married.

Hubs: I CAN HEAR YOU!

Me: AND I LOVE MY GRAYS, HONEY!

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@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@upsidedowntrash

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@sugarwits

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

@Reverend_Scott

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

@Donna_McCoy

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

@mynameisntdave

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*