Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Breaking news:

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

Good morning

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.