Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Attacked by a mop.

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Best table by far

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A