Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

what’s more important?

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler