Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
our love story in four pictures
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
cyclists
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.