Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Um … Hot Wings please
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Children of the corn 🌽
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.