Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Always this one for me forever
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.