Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
A new level of troll.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.