Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Breaking news:

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.