Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

All. The. Damn. Time.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro