HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You Might Also Like
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.