her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Cool shirt 🙂
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
