her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
bias laundering edition
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
oh shit
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet