her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
The 6 types of sex
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My purse is deeper than some people.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.