@UnFitz

Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

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@fro_vo

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

@13spencer

Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”

@MKupperman

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@BlondAmbitionTO

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.