Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you’re going to have to pick one or the other.

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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*


Have you guys seen that great television show, “Candy Crush Saga With The Sound From Another Television Show Playing In The Background?”


I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers


Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell


Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.


regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes


A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.