her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I think we should hear other voices.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Hmm, not sure about this change
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.