her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
bought wrong eggs
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no