her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I don’t know what to do
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened