Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*