Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

😩😩😩

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.