HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You Might Also Like
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.