HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
How animals would run if they were human
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.