Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.