Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy