Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.

Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.

DRP: Muahahaha!

CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.

DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.

CR: Kreeptonite.

DRP: *weakens further*.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad