HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.