HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
How I like cutting carbs
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug