Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Jokes on them. I took 10.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.