Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
This dude got his own movie?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
2022: I can fix it
I’m hunting wabbits…
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My wife gives the best headache.
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing