Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor