HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.