HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
You Might Also Like
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If you love someone, let them tweet.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”