HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?