I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
•Woozy woman comes up•
“OMG I’m-I’m gonna faint!”
“Go ahead, knock yourself out”
I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?
So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
M: You’re welcome.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.