Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!