Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*