Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign

Me: I got lost in the music

C: what song?

M: I’d rather not say

C: what song?!?

M: I saw the sign

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

🐟✨ #re4

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

me as a parent

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

ㅤ

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.