Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family