Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR