Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.