Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.