Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Single and childfree like Jesus

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Me when I try to be useful

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’