Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Well, that should do it
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag