Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist