Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”