Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

twitter users today:

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.