her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
my astrological sign is a french fry
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster