her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
