Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Festive toon…
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
why no one uses midhusbands
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself