Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.