Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Batman v Dracula
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.