Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

War & Peace

Woke up with morning Yule Log

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine