Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
◾️
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]