Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
You Might Also Like
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
2022 be like
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.