Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Oops I deleted….

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?