Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Beware of fowl play.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”