Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?