Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

Krampus.

Only Americans understand

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad