Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9