Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

Huge, if true.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.