Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*