Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

You have been warned.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.