Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
as is their right
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson