Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’