Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.


Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave


I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.


Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?


customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames


Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’


Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.


-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…


Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.


HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals