@JustMeTurtle

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

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@momTruthBomb

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

@baycontaco

I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

@JayUhOh

Ever have to pee so bad you let a pigeon watch your kids for a minute?

@stevevsninjas

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@Havish_AF

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…

@bornmiserable

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

@ArfMeasures

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals