Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
No point crayon over spilled milk.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.