Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I used to be married, but I’m better now

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!