Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

When your diet is finally over.

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

“I asked Santa for a real duck.”

— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one