Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.